31 Days of Breastfeeding Journeys | Day 16 | World Breastfeeding Week 2016
"Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain what breast feeding has meant to me and how I feel now that my baby is solely formula fed.
In July 2014, I went through something that changed my life forever. I lost my baby boy Teddy at 21 weeks due to an encephalocele. After my two previous miscarriages, this one hit me on the gut and broke my heart. I had just started to feel him moving in my belly. I was a mess. I questioned everything.. was I meant to be a mom? Did I do something wrong? Am I not womanly enough to carry a healthy pregnancy? A day and a half after birthing my angel baby boy, my milk came in and it hurt, both physically and emotionally. It was a reminder of what once lived in my body, that I cared for and wanted more than anything in the whole world. The baby that was meant for that milk wasn't here and I did everything in my power to get it to go away fast.
Fast forward almost a year to the month of losing my sweet Teddy, I found out I was pregnant. The normal fears set in, but I immediately set into anxious thoughts, would this baby make it, would we survive, would I have a miscarriage again, will I feel the baby then lose it as soon as I felt it. I spent the entire first and second trimester trying to unconvinced myself that we were having a baby.
Finally about the 25th week into my pregnancy, I said I have to stop this doubt. What will my baby boy think, if I'm always so insecure about him. And I vowed then, I would be strong! I'm ready to do this! And on February 29th, this beautiful baby boy was placed in my arms at 7 23 pm at 22 1/4" long and 9lbs 6oz and they immediately connected him to my breast and he latched beautifully! First shot, and I thought, this will be perfect!! He will have me and we will have this deep connection and it will be the most beautiful thing ever and it will turn the sorrow I felt about Teddy, into the fullness I could feel have now. Only, it didn't work out as such.
While my little boy and I were recovering, the first lactation consultant came in and said ok you're gonna have to supplement until your milk comes. Ok, no problem. You need to keep letting him nurse so your milk cones in. Ok, no problem. You'll need to pump as well, at least 20 minutes and after each feeding. Um.. ok, no problem. For the first day and a half this is what I heard. Then, finally!, my milk came in, but it wasn't enough. I still needed to supplement. Ok, we've got this, we weren't expecting it but let's get him going and I'm sure my milk will come in and we'll be fine.
Then Jodie, the second consultant, came by and checked on me. She looked at me and saw my frustration. I couldn't feed my baby all he needed, but he was getting most of it. She asked to check me out and look at my breasts. She noticed that they weren't as full on the inside of my breast and that it was very likely I would never make enough milk to support my son. I was hurt. I thought that this was supposed to be what I do, this is everything I should be, and I can't. Jodie was amazing and when she saw the disappointment, she said something that made me feel incredible and strong enough to leave the hospital. She told me "Never give up, breastfeeding is more than feeding your baby, it's 10% feeding, and 90% connection." It resonated with me and made me feel strong enough to go on breastfeeding.
As we continued to move on, I noticed I wasn't making anymore milk. I was attending lactation classes and to help increase my supply, I tried fenugreek, mothers milk tea, goat's rue. pumping on and off for an hour every other hour, even had the nutritionist make a special blend to help. I got up to about 1 oz from each breast, but could never break that threshold. Then I started a non-hormone form of birth control that wasn't supposed to effect my supply, but I was part of the very small percent that is affected by it. So, even with everything I was doing to build my supply it was diminished by over half due to the birth control.
I was able to continue until Grayson was 3 months old, and then when I went back to work, it was even worse. Grayson never nursed to soothe, he only ate from my breast. So when my milk was low, it turned into a very stressful time and I found myself feeling overwhelmed and rejected by him. I was becoming very depressed, so I decided to stop breast feeding. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make because I knew it would mean loosing that connection with my son.
I would love to be able to breastfeed Grayson. When I was, I felt this closeness with him. I felt that he knew he could depend on me to be there when he needed comfort, food, or to feel close to his mama. What I have learned from not breastfeeding is that, while breastfeeding helps make these connections, it isn't the only way to make these connections and have him know he can depend on me. Formula feeding my son has brought us closer, because the stress of trying to breastfeed him is gone. Now that I no longer have to worry about pumping to keep up my supply, I can play more with him and snuggle him longer. I still miss the connection and feeling as though I am providing for him, but the smiles and giggles that we share together make every bit of our journey worth it.
I wanted to tell you everything, so that you can understand and see where our journey has left us. And so that , if you decide to share my story, other women who struggle privately, can know they aren't alone and it's ok! I know my baby got the most important part of my milk, and that it's ok if you don't make enough milk. Being there for my baby, making sure he grows strong, that's what is important to me.
Thanks for listening! " ~Becky
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